Who Am I?

If you listed your name in the dictionary, how would you define yourself?

It probably wouldn't be too difficult for those around you to come up with all kinds of sarcastic and humourous definitions of you, mainly because they hold various degrees of poignant truth. "Who am I?" may seem to many a some-what pointless question to ponder, a stupid question like "why is the sky blue?" or "why is the house messy?" when I have two preschoolers in the home. For others it throws them into great imagination and philosophical rumination. For me "who am I?" is generating an expansive freedom.

For the past seven years I have been fortunate to be in a position of leadership within The Salvation Army, within my community of leaders and residents, and within my team of staff. Some might say I am a Director, because my business card says so, my proposals say so, the people I bring leadership to say so.

For the past seven and a half years I have been fortunate to be married to Harold, and become a mother to Kehlen (4) and Mikhala (2). Some might say I am a wife and mother, because of my relationship and role in their lives.

While there is more to describe me, none of this defines me unless I reduce my existance to a function. For me, expansive freedom is the notion of total abandonment to the One who created me. Since I reckon that the Creator made me for a reason and isn't confined to my attempts to live on my own terms of reference I get pretty excited when God whispers some pretty audacious considerations like the one I'm about to share with you now: "I dare you to resign from your job and be a stay-at-home mom."

Ha! Anyone who knows me acknowledges I love my family super much, but visions of aprons, canning, and playing tea party all day with my kids are the last things floating through my head. I don't do homemaking. I'd sooner gut and renovate our entire basement and bathroom (which I did during mat leave #2) than pour over pinterest and attend Pampered Chef parties with uber-moms. (Sorry ladies.)

Well, like Abraham taking his son Isaac up the mountain to be sacrificed, I obediently trekked up my own so-called mountain to press into God about this notion of giving up "my baby" - a job that I absolutely love (OK minus some beaurocratic road blocks we driven ENTP's are not fond of). Over the past five months I have retreated to my holy ground, which for me happens to be Tim Horton's down my street with my prayer journal. I have talked extensively with Harold, who internally may have diagnosed me as dillusional, but I jokingly remind him I am not his client here but a covenanted life partner. I have consulted with mentors who I consider spiritual giants in their own lives who have asked me the probing questions in order to discern my response to this challenge before me.

So you want me to lay this baby down? Why now? The centre is now at its healthiest, as far as team dynamics, program growth and outcomes, financial stability (for a non-profit that is), as far as being on the cusp of much more to come. Talk about coming through the trenches! We just moved into our brand new fully-funded $6M facility, which I say is like moving from a refugee camp into the Hilton of community centres. No more waterfalls down my office walls, no more sewer leaks or condemned cooking facility. We are at home now in our workplace and the future is bright. I always claimed that I was not in my position for the money, but to willingly give up a secure salary for the family is a test of faith. Perhaps God is testing me, I considered. Perhaps I am misunderstanding God's intentions with this. Unlike Abraham, no ram was found caught in my bushes. It wasn't just a test of my obedience to follow God, it was a request for obedience I needed follow through on. God has continued to dare me to do the unthinkable in resigning in my leadership role. So I did.

Ha! Who woulda thunk? February 1, 2013 officially marks the end of an era and the start of a new career which I quip as "non-profit investor of the next generation." Peace beyond reason, freedom beyond compare. I wrote the resignation letter and handed it in to my supervisor at headquarters. Jaws dropped a little, a few claimed to nearly fall from their chairs, but my heart oddly skipped a beat in excitement for the unknown future. That feeling of silly adrenaline when about to bungee jump. The hardest was informing my staff, who I love like they are my own family. But even there I am left with a deep peace that God will continue to do a good work in them and His Kingdom will continue to show up in amazing ways. The community will continue to be my neighbours, and honestly I don't think they care if I own a title or business card to begin with. We are community.

And for now I am looking forward to investing in our 2 children, preparing for the adoption of our other children, my husband's thesis work, and just possibly getting 8 hours of sleep again. And the ENTP in me tells me more is around the corner.

I am a child of God on an adventure of an eternal lifetime.

Who are you?